Chapters of a book not yet written

There are so many parenting books out there, but not one that specifically addresses my needs. I don't have time, or else I would go ahead and write it. Any volunteers? Here are the chapters I would like to see addressed:

1) How to delay infant poop until the clean diaper has been on for more that 30 seconds

2) Strawberry Poptart: does that count as a fruit?

3) Why one boob is better than the other (An Infant's Perspective)

4) Step-by-step guide on how to get residual party glitter off your son's privates without him thinking it is a tickling game

5) Five reasons REM sleep is overrated

6) Multisyllabic nonsense - interpreting toddler babble, especially with constant references to The Backyardigans episodes

7) Why baby's hunger is directly inverse to the level of engorgement you have reached

That is all I can think of for now. These hot topics would make for a great bestseller, if I could only find an author whose thoughts are more coherent than, "Did I just change her? I can't remember... maybe I didn't. Maybe... ooops. Well, now it doesn't matter..."

Any takers?