< Upheaval: De-pression: This post is really blah!

Thursday, September 22, 2005

De-pression: This post is really blah!

I am not sure why this is such an integral part of who I am. Why am I someone who has to struggle with this illness? Where is the joy that I should have, as a woman of Christ, and a person who has so many blessings?

I don't know why, but I know that it is there. I constantly monitor my emotional state. Constantly. I have been this way for about 8 years. I don't usually let myself get out of hand, but I am on the verge now. What to do?

I want to go to sleep for a week. I want to take a long bath and have someone take care of me. But who will do that? My throat hurts from swallowing back these tears all day. I feel really lonely, and my house is full of people. I am trying to be energetic and happy, but it isn't working.

These are the events of the last few days: we came home from the hospital, had a rush of visitors, and had some worrisome moments with Dillon, who wasn't eating as much as he should. We worked all that out, our company left and we had a day and a half to revel in our newfound family-ness.

Then came Rita. She is a b*tch. Daniel got called into work, from which he had taken 3 weeks vacation. So all the sudden, it is me and Dillon, by ourselves. Then, all the sudden, it is me and Dillon, Daniel's father, stepmother, and stepbrother. Daniel's brother and sister-in-law are on the way. Maybe Daniel's mother and stepfather, too. They are all from Houston or Beaumont, and have to get out of the way. Our house is full. I am tired.

I think it is called depression because you feel like your whole body is being compressed and squeezed and it is hard to catch your breath.

Please say a little prayer for me. Or maybe a big prayer.


Blogger worshipnaked said...

Oh, hon, I know about depression, too. I believe I struggle with it, but I don't "take anything"; I'm too freaked out to.

Could this be some post-partum, maybe? I certainly don't know, AS. But I will pray for you and Dillon and for your safety during this. You've already been in my thoughts, as I looked up a map of TX to find Nacogdoches. Did I spell that right?

Be safe and may you feel His presence closer than ever.

6:59 PM  
Blogger loelsh said...

Sorry you are having to deal with this. I suffer from depression too and used to be on meds for it, but am kind of nervous about getting back on them (though, I really need to!).

You say you've been dealing with this for a while, so I think that makes you more susceptible to PPD.

I would definately talk to your Dr. about it, if you haven't already.

Hope you get to feeling better soon!

7:53 PM  
Blogger Vanessa said...

You really have a lot to deal with right now, Amanda! Depression is there all the time if you suffer from it, but situations like yours can really make it worse. Things will get better and you have a beautiful baby boy to comfort you. Bless you.

7:54 PM  
Blogger Jennboree said...

Alot of it is post-partum, sweetie. Your hormones are all over the place, as is normal.

I agree if you are really worried aobut it, talk to your doc. I wish you didn't have this huge Rita interruption.

Hole up in your room with baby tucked in your arms. The family will deal with it. PROMISE

Love, Big Sister

8:20 PM  
Blogger quycksilver said...

Hang in there Amanda Sue.
I'm sure that part of what you're dealing with is crazy hormonal adjusting and then the stress of the hurricane and just being worn out from having such a busy, busy time!

Thinking about you, and sending god thoughts and positive energy from California your way!

8:24 PM  
Blogger YankeeAmanda said...

Sweetie, I understand. I drop into tears at a moment's notice for no real reason. I did it twice in front of my doctor, which made him concerned that I was going serious PPD. But it is NORMAL to go through this - your hormones are all out of whack, your recovering from surgery, you have this tiny little dictator demanding your attention, and now you have a house full of people and no hubby around. CRY, sweetie, CRY! And then hand Dillon to one of the many relatives now invading your space and sleep! Take advantage of the situation in whatever way you can.

Oh, and from your comment on my blog? Yeah, breastfeeding SUCKS! (lol) The first week was the worst for me. You must get some Lansinoh ointment and slather it on your nipples. It kept me from throwing in the towel. Now it's going much better, so long as I can keep the little vacuum awake long enough to get a full feeding.

And I'm now down 41 pounds from my delivery weight. My doc said I'll be amazed how much I've lost when I go in for my pelvic exam in 3 weeks. Whoopee!!!

I'm praying for you, hon. It won't be like this forever, I promise.

9:11 PM  
Blogger Amanda said...

Amanda Sue, I definitely understand what depression feels like, and I'm sure I'll be sympathizing with you even moreso in about five months. I am praying for you with all my heart. Hang in there! And, I agree with what YankeeAmanda said...let all those relatives watch over Dillon for a little while and take some time for yourself.

9:24 PM  
Blogger Sharkey said...

I want to call you 'hon' too, and I want to give you a hug, even though I've never met you.

It's terrible to feel lonely when there are so many people around, and the stress of Rita coming and Daniel going must just make it worse.

I think you should alternate between Jenn's and Yankeeamanda's suggestions--leave Dillon with the family so you can sleep. Then when it's time to feed him, hole up in your room for a while.

I'll be praying for you!


9:25 PM  
Blogger Diane said...

I have been where you are and I can say that there is life on the other side - although I'm sure that's really no comfort at all. I'll post my story on my blog someday soon just for you. But I will say that God took my ppd and used it to connect me with a wonderful counselor who helped me to find true relationship with God and not just religion. I agree with all these wonderful women who care so much about you and are a great support to you - take their advice and know how much we all love you!!

Ha - i will sign my name like the others only because this one is particularly amusing.


10:04 PM  
Blogger Heidi said...

Amanda, I will definitely be thinking and praying for you. I feel that I suffer from depression, too, but I, like worshipnaked, also do not take anything. It must be a whirlwind of emotions for you, so much going on in such a small period of time. I pray that God will hold you close and give you comfort during this tough, overwhelming time.

10:28 PM  
Blogger jes said...

wow, amanda. i wish that you didn't have to go through all of this right now. with the new baby, and adjusting to life, and then Daniel getting called away, and now so many people coming to stay with you for an undetermined amount of time?

i'd call my dr and ask for a boost in dosage. ;)

i'll be praying for you.

10:30 PM  
Blogger Heidi said...

Oh with the sore nipples - buy a cabbage, put it in the fridge, and when your nipples are sore, stick some cabbage leaves in your bra. I've never had a human being suck on my boob (for nourishment anyway), but this is what I learned during my public health nursing rotation.


10:33 PM  
Blogger Trinity13 said...

I just said a "big prayer" up for ya Amanda! I hope everything works out okay. You should def talk to a doctor about how you are feeling.

8:06 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

Cabbage? Never heard of that. Interesting.
AmSu doll, youll be ok. I used to take meds for depression and anxiety and they helped, and a different time I just went to counseling to talk to someone and that was all I needed at that time. Having your first little one is overwhelming and emotional enough, but now you have to play hostess to all these people. Im sure youre very stressed and there isnt anything wrong with going to your room, shutting the door and lying with the covers pulled over your head for awhile in peace and quiet.
Im sure youre family will understand.
This too shall pass.

9:16 AM  
Blogger Princess21 said...

Oooh amanda sue!! I am so sorry you feel this way, and I do understand a little about what you are going through!!!! I will say a gigantic prayer for you, cuase I know you have done the same for me!

Sending supe big **hugs** to you and Dillon!!!


9:48 AM  
Blogger Jennboree said...

To all who have shown so much love and concern for Amanda:

She is staying at our parents' house at night and probably most of the day while her house is overrun with guests.

I talked to her and she is much better, far more relaxed and enjoying the quiet.

I love the support you all give Amanda! Thank you :)

9:52 AM  

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