< Upheaval: Man, I feel like a ... woman?

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Man, I feel like a ... woman?

In light of the heat and weight of this summer, my pace of life has slowed significantly over the past few weeks. However, tonight, I had a surge of excitement that made my heart race and caused my swollen feet to move quickly as well.

Daniel is working, so I am home alone with Tux (the inside dog) and Bo (the outside dog). I was reclined on the sofa, weeping through the end of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Tux was reclined on his doggie bed, and Bo was barking endlessly outside. On a commercial break, I fed both of the boys, thinking that Bo would at least pause in his incessant noisemaking.

I was wrong. He inhaled his food, then continued to bark. I peeked into the backyard to see him hunched over a small spot of grass. He was barking/coughing furiously at the ground. I had flashbacks to this, so I yanked the door open and waddled out into the yard to see what was wrong.

Bo had a friend - a small, furry, yellow-toothed gopher. He was alternately barking at it from one inch away and then grabbing it and tossing it playfully in the air.

Being the calm and poised person that I am, I screamed and then started chasing the dog away from the gopher. Through no fault of my own, I exercised parts of my vocabulary that are reserved for VERY special occasions. I am sure the neighbors are talking badly about me tonight.

I waddled quickly around to the front yard to get a shovel and called Daniel on the phone at the same time. He didn't answer. Then I went back into the backyard and proceeded to beat the snot out of the gopher. The phone rang, and I answered while beating the rodent. He convulsed. Bo barked. He gnashed his big nasty teeth. Bo barked more. I chopped at the gopher, screaming ugly words the whole time. I forgot that I was on the phone. Daniel heard this:

A: Ahhhhhhh! (wham) Yuck! Bo, put it down. You little s***! Get away! (wham) AAAHHHHHH! ewewewewew! Get the hell away from that THING! BO! YUCKYUCK! Oh my gosh. YUCK.

Needless to say, Daniel thought something nasty and pregnancy-related had happened so he sped home to save the day. To his surprise, he found me beaming with pride in the carport, guarding a little mound of dead rodent with a giant shovel.

I am pretty sure he has never been prouder.


Anonymous Sharkey said...

You go, girl! I would've been tempted to let Bo finish off the poor gopher as nature intended. I don't think I could've wielded the shovel like that.

I'm thinking you're going to hear from Ben about killing his state's mascot . . .

10:41 PM  
Blogger Amanda Sue said...

ha! i forgot it was "Ben's" mascot!

maybe subconsciously i remembered. :)

7:06 AM  
Blogger Amstaff Mom said...

Remind me to never tick you off.

7:40 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

You're brave - I probably would have just yanked the dog away to the best of my ability and hid inside until my husband could do something. Good job for taking the initiative! :)

8:45 AM  
Blogger Vanessa said...

You are my new hero.

9:13 AM  
Blogger jes said...

oh, amanda. the images that this story conveys. i can hear and see everything so, so clearly! hahahahahahaha

I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING. (with you, not at you!)

9:30 AM  
Blogger Sydney said...

LOL That is hilarious. It transported me back to a moment in time for me where I was hacking at a family of snakes in the front yard with a hoe. There were at least a dozen of them as I was shouting "DIE SUCKERS" Weilding the hoe I swear I looked like a derange women ripping up her lawn.! I can TOTTALLY RELATE! Hurrah for you!

10:49 AM  
Blogger Amanda Sue said...

i couldn't drag bo away! he weighs almost 90 pounds and is VERY excitable. i was just thrilled he wasn't jumping on ME!

11:33 AM  
Blogger Michelle said...

I am so proud of you! And at the same time very thankful that this much activity didn't knock you into early labor! :)

I don't think I would have known what to do... or even that it would have been a gopher.

2:33 PM  
Blogger Princess21 said...

Now I cna not get that song out of my head!!!

Anyways, great job on the rodent killing! I am very proud of you girl! If it were me, I would have locked myself inside until my hubby came home and did nothing about it. You rock!!!

2:34 PM  
Blogger Jennboree said...

K...so what did you do with the beaten gopher? Hover over it till Daniel arrived to dispose of it?

The visual is so funny. My majorly pregnant sister yelling profanities and beating a yellow-tooth critter as her big Lab excitedly runs around wanting to join in on the "fun".

So what did Tux do during this adventure? Was he hiding behind the recliner?

3:23 PM  
Blogger Amanda Sue said...

tux was outside "taking care of business" but when he realized that an adventure was in progress, he morphed into Velcro-Dog and attached himself to my feet, making the gopher dance even more hysterical to watch. he was definitely the recipient of some of my unladylike language!

5:30 PM  
Blogger Kim's Mom said...

I got a good laugh out of this one!

I find myself wondering what your husband's reaction was when he realized what he heard on the other end of the phone line wasn't pregnacy related. Relief? Amusement? Pride of course! LOL

My husband's name is Daniel too and I can just see his face and imagine his laughter if I had presented him with such a trophy! :)

6:15 PM  
Blogger Ben said...

What is wrong with you! Hacking at our state mascot??!!?? You crazy, foul language spewing, pregnant lady... ;)

Okay... let it be know that gophers are a nusiance up here as well... especially for the farmers... I recall a few years ago driving down a minumum maintanence road with me at the wheel... my 12 guage hanging out the left window and my friend's 12 guage hanging out the right window... we would creep up and then blow them away... I realize this seems like a redneck thing to do... but for one, they reak havoc on a corn field and two, the cats were hungry. lol.

8:14 AM  
Blogger Melinda said...

That's just great! I would/could never even think about doing something like that! That's too crazy! You are my new hero! I would have screamed and never gone outside again! :)

9:46 AM  
Blogger YankeeAmanda said...

Oh my gosh, my dog cornered a gopher too. Actually, my dog was on one side of our fence, and the gopher was on the other, and neither backed away. My dog barked, the gopher growled, and it took quite a lot of fenagling to get the two apart without being bitten by either one. Very scary. Go, you, for being so courageous and strong!

9:46 PM  

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