Book review update

A Million Little Pieces makes me want to put my head underwater and inhale.

It never got better. The author is a recovering drug addict, which is great. But the whole book is how HE did it by himself. Without God (he is agnostic). Without a 12 Step program (he is too good for that). By himself. That is not inspiring to me.

So he saved his own life... but what value is a life without God, anyway???

Ring...ring...ring...

Okay. I hate the telephone. I don't answer the home phone much - that is Daniel's job. My cell phone lies abandoned in the depths of my purse, vibrating away with ancient voice mails. Then it runs out of charge, and is comatose until Daniel makes me get it out and plug it in.

On the way out of town last week, we grabbed the mail from the mailbox and took it with us. Included in the stack was our cell phone bill. Because our trip was long, we had ample time to review the bill. He had been giving me grief about text messaging my brother one-liners from Anchorman, and he was determined to show me that it costs over a dollar a text message. Well, he was wrong. It costs 10 cents, and I sent ONE text message last month and recieved THREE. That is forty cents, ya'll. FORTY.

Anyway, I won that debate.

Then he got to the page that itemizes our minutes. I talked on my phone a whopping 130 minutes last month. That is just over four minutes a day.

Daniel talked 1113 minutes in one month! Almost ten times as much as I did! Who is he talking to? Is it you???

Black Friday

Yeah. Whatever THAT means.

Daniel and I are about to "go shopping." Most likely, that means we will elbow our way through crowds until we both get in bad moods, then we will come home empty-handed.

Please note that it is 1:00 in the afternoon, and we did not wake up at 4:30 to shop at 5. Did you???

Puzzled

Not to toot my own horn, but I have a rather large vocabulary. Where the average person knows and uses about 50,000 words, I know and use at least 50,001.

Case in point: onomatopoeia.

Not only do I know this word, but I use it regularly. Perhaps as much as once daily.

But that is not what this post is about.

Because I have such a large (extensive) vocabulary, I thought I would be good (skilled) at crossword puzzles. I was right (correct)! I can regularly (consistently) get about 80% of the People magazine crossword puzzles correct without help.

Based on this scientific study of my own intelligence, I ran out to buy a book of crosswords. It is called Super Crosswords, and it ranges in difficulty from "easy" to "hard." The "easy" puzzles are at the beginning, so I thought, "Pshaw. I can knock those out in no time and move on to the medium ones."

Whoops.

Too bad that the People magazine crosswords are made by third graders, and they are in no way indicative of intelligence or ability at puzzling.

I have been on the same "easy" puzzle on page 2 of my new book for three days. Does anyone know a three letter word for "Hay or Holm?" How about a four letter word for "Levin et. al?"

What happened to clues about Ashton and Demi, or Desperate Housewives???

A million little pages

Okay, so I love to read. I will read just about anything, and once I start a book, I have to finish it, even if it causes me pain.

I usually like the books that Oprah ('s paid book readers) recommends (recommend). Daniel told me about "A Million Little Pieces" by David Frey. He saw a special about it on Oprah, and she was pitching the book because she (and her paid book readers) really loved it. She (they) stayed up all night reading it (to her) because it was riveting.

So I bought it. Full price, nonetheless.

And I am reading it. Page by miserable page.

Is this book going to get any better? Because right now, I am in the depths of despair. I am addicted to every drug under the sun, and I have never even smoked tobacco!

If you have read it, give me some hope here. If you haven't read it, don't start. Unless I tell you it gets better in the next 999,907 pages.

The scenic route

Last night, I was walking with my neighbor. We try to do this at least a couple of times a week. We don't go far, but we get to talk and feel like we are very athletic. We feel that way because we are breathing hard, but actually the opposite is true, and that is why we are panting.

Anyway, we were walking to unwind after a long day. We walked past a house and this lady shouted at us, "Wanna come see my hog?"

We were a little taken aback. It was dark out. We didn't know this lady. And also, what was she talking about?

We didn't want to be rude though, and we were curious, so we walked up her driveway, panting, of course.

I was expecting one of two things:

1) a shiny new Harley

or

2) a cute little pig, like in Charlotte's Web or Babe.

I saw neither. What I did see was a huge, disgusting, hairy, gutted beast laid out on her driveway. The woman had a contraption on her forehead that shone a light directly into my eyes. She was very excited about this dead thing and was hopping all around, telling us that is was her "first one." She showed us where she shot it in the heart.

I think I said things like "Wow!" and "Congratulations!" in the midst of her exclamations. But all I could think of was how nasty that animal was and the song "Shot Through the Heart" from the 80s.

My point is, this is not my bag, guys. So if you see me huffing past your driveway, and you have some fresh kill laid out on the concrete, just let me walk on by. I promise I will do the same for you.

Music to my ears

I have already told you to get out and buy the Grey's Anatomy soundtrack. It is awesome! If you don't, I am going to send you the soundtrack to this:

Hakuna Matata?

Isn't it funny how life is just made up of a bunch of little circles? Have you ever met someone who you didn't have much in common with, and then re-met them at a different time in your life when you just fit? Has something ever happened to you that was really disappointing, but then something so much better comes along?

I have been feeling a little meditative today, I guess. Probably because I have a huge paper to write, and no motivation.

Anyway, I think that in this time of Thanksgiving, it is important that we give thanks for the obvious (and sometimes not so obvious) hand of God in our life.

Here is my "Circle of Life" story:

In college I dated this guy.
Through him I met a girl.
The girl suggested a class I should take.
I took it, and changed my major to Criminal Justice because of it.
I graduated.
I worked at the Police Department.
I met Daniel.
We got married.
We had a baby.
Because of the guy I dated in college.

What is your story?

Open my eyes

Why is it so hard to be the one person to befriend an outcast? Why is it so hard to overlook quirkiness and accept other people as God would want us to?

The classroom situation with Hands in Her Mouth has gotten way out of hand. (No pun intended!) The professor has even made remarks about her mannerisms, and our program director has pulled her aside to address the issue, citing poor hygiene and the spread of germs. The bottom line is that in the group of students in our grant program, she has not one friend. In fact, she is ridiculed constantly.

I am ashamed to say that I have participated. I have not stood silently by and watched as others made comments. No, I have been one of the ONES. The bullies. Me. I cut my eyes at my friend when I see her fingers in her mouth. I make faces when she handles papers and passes them to others in the room.

The saddest part is that I know better. God made her with the same care that He made me, or Daniel, or perfect little Dillon. God loves her just the same. And I should, too. I should be the one person who will smile at her, and ask her how her day is. I should be the one person who compliments her shoes. I should be the one.

Anyway, I guess you can tell my heart is convicted about this. Now I just need to act on it.

Let a man clean your house!

If you don't have these in your cleaning cabinet, you are really missing out!

Our shower doors are clear (not frosted) glass, so they show buildup a lot. We have tried everything - Scrubbing Bubbles, Fantastik, CLR, Tilex, etc... and nothing works as well as Mr. Clean Magic Eraser with just plain water. So sit back and let a man do the work. You know that doesn't happen often!

Look out Bambi's mama...

Happy Hunting!

Memorandum

A note to whoever diapered Dillon last:

Leaving one side of the diaper unattached is about as effective as putting a Taco Bell napkin in Dillon's pajamas and putting him to bed. By morning time, he will be virtually swimming in wet clothes and crib sheets, with the disabled diaper wrapped snuggly around one ankle.

Love,
The person who diapered Dillon this morning

The anatomy of an addiction

I have an entire new group of friends. All of my old friends have been replaced. That means YOU.

This new group is exciting and fun. We get together once a week to talk about our stressful jobs, our relationships (or lack thereof) and just random things that happen. My problem is that I cannot get enough of these guys! They are great, but they will only give me approximately 44 minutes of interaction A WEEK. That is not enough.

Anyway, this whole post is to say that you should get friends like mine. And if you can't, you should at least buy the soundtrack.

Wonder woman and her sidekick who has one crumpled-up, expired coupon in the bottom of her purse

She has it all together. She always looks cute. She is a boy scout – always prepared. She can sew anything, fix anything, make anything, clean anything. And if she doesn’t know how, she will find out. She is smart and organized. She is my friend, and her name is Sharon. But for ease of your imagination, we can call her “Martha.”

Martha came to visit me this weekend, and she shared with me her new obsession. Hold on to your seats! It is coupon clipping time!

That is right. She buys two (2) Sunday edition papers and cuts coupons out. The ones for products she uses, and even those for products she doesn’t use. She has a large pocket photo album that holds her sorted (sordid!) coupons. She has a new deep freeze. She has an extra bedroom in her house devoted to storing all of her groceries. And she is going to war.

Really! It looks like she is going to war because she has enough food to feed several armies. She showed me pictures of her extra room. Shelves full of food. A china cabinet full of food. And she gets “every item for under a dollar.” That is her criteria. She buys the limit on sale, triples her coupons, and sometimes comes away with items for free!

She buys a list from grocerygame.com that tells her what to buy and where. She is saving tons of money. And knowing Martha, she will streamline her method until she is saving time too.

Making the rest of us look bad. But isn’t that what the Marthas of the world are here for? Aw, I love her anyway. Don't you?