R-O-L-A-I-D-S spells relief!

I feel like my tongue has been folded in half and stapled! Imagine my dismay, after almost a full day of no blogging, when I came running in the house with a brand new package of batteries. My hands were shaking so bad, I could barely align them! Is it positive on the right, or negative? Is the positive end the knobby end, or the flat end? How am I supposed to know? I would Google it, but my KEYBOARD DOESN'T WORK!!!

Daniel finally came to help me because I was about to cry. I couldn't make it work.

He is my hero. This is a tribute to him, the owner of this gadgety-keyboard-that-requires-batteries! Finally, I am free! The keyboard is communicating appropriately with the computer and my words are on the screen!

Blogger blus

really tht is supposed to say "blogger blues" but my keyboard is going out. wejust need some more baterrrres, ut i am not oing out tonight toget some.

iop

Things that make you go "hmmmm...."

Kids say the darndest things. (Really, I hate that phrase. What is darndest???)

At school the other day, I made a comment to my Pre-K class about when they grow up and get married. They all think this is HILARIOUS, because, is anything grosser than getting married????

In response, one of my little girls giggled and said "I am going to marry so-and-so."

A boy responded with "UM, a girl cannot marry another girl!"

There was silence in the room for about half a second. The quietest child in my class, she never speaks out or draws attention to herself, said in a loud voice:

"Yeah-huh! That is called being a gaywad!"

OH.

We changed the subject. I ranted about four-year-olds watching too much television and then we moved on with our day. Is this funny, or sad, or can it be both?

They are forms of transportation, not billboards or notepads

I love to drive. With the windows down. With my Sirius Satellite Radio up. Fast, as Trooper Cortines noticed last week.

What I do not love are other drivers. Now I am not trying to be complain-y or gripey, but let's be reasonable. Your car is not a bulletin board. There are several things that people put on their cars that I think are rediculous, and I would like to discuss those things here.


1. I am not a fan of magnet ribbons. At first, they were okay, but now there are magnet ribbons for every cause under the sun. On a recent road trip, Daniel and I counted magnet ribbons and we discovered that if you had one, you most likely had two. It is like, ALL OR NOTHING with the magnet ribbon people. Pink, camo, yellow, puzzle piece ones, black POW ones, the list goes on and on. I hope I did not offend.

2. Window stickers that tell your kid's extracurricular activities. Soccer balls with "Jerrome" above it. A ballet slipper that says "Kelsie." A tennis shoe with "Markus." I mean, we have graduated from the years of "My child is an A-Honor-Roll student at Woden Elementary." Some people have a lot of kids, and that means there is a lot of space taken up with these displays. How can they see to drive? I seriously have a friend who has an 18-month-old and she has a BABY sticker with the kid's name above it. Being a baby is his extracurricular activity.


3. Fake softballs with fake broken glass. Have you SEEN these things? Um, my car isn't really a piece of tore-up-junk, but I want you to think it is.


4. Pretend bullet-hole stickers. See number 3.


5. Enormous letters that spell out your Latino last name across the entire rear glass.

GARCIA.

MENENDEZ.

or even GARCIA-MENENDEZ.

Most of the time, I cannot read this font and I think it says something like"GROSS MONKEEZ."


Anything else? This is just what I could think of now. Let me hear your peeves, guys! Or even, defend your own car decor! I need to know!

This is Baby Johnson's message to my thrice-daily reader.

Here I am, 11 1/2 weeks pregnant. Wearing dumb maternity pants cause nothing fits.

I love my MTV

Okay, not really. I mean, who even watches this channel anymore? Is it still on?

But, I really do love my Sirius Satellite Radio. I love all types of music and I especially love to sing all types of music by myself in my car. That being said, I love my Sirius radio because I heard the old song "Daisy Dukes" today and it was SO FUN!

Look at them girls with the daisy dukes on!
I - wanchyoo - to
Look at them girls with the daisy dukes on!

You can't tell me that doesn't get in your head and take you back a few years...

What I learned in church today

Before proceeding, please read this hilarious post on my friend Jes's blog.

Did you read it? You really should, or you won't get the point of my post.

I read Jessica's post on Friday, and I couldn't remember what symbiotic meant, so I looked it up. Yes, I am one of THOSE people. I knew the term from life science in the 9th grade, but really had not heard those words since then, so, not only was Jes's post funny, but it also revitalized some sleeping neurons in my brain.

Anyway, on to church. Sometimes God uses funny ways to get our attention, and He definitely did that today.

Justin (our preacher at GBC) was discussing Luke 6, and he came to the verse that talks about how it is no big deal to love people who love you, because even sinners do that. As Christians, we should love those who hate us. We do not need to seek out only symbiotic relationships, but we need to love our enemies, as well.

Now, I was listening. I always listen, even if I am making faces (see post from Jan 30th). But at the mention of the words "symbiotic relationship" my eyes got HUGE. I must have looked like a cartoon version of myself. I actually looked around to see if Jessica was at my church.

Church can become routine: a time to visit, sing songs (which I really love to do), listen to a sermon, and then plan where to go for lunch. God opened my eyes (WIDE) this morning that, if we are willing to listen, He will speak to each one of us. And He can even make us laugh.

A Tribute

Today, I am going to give a nod of appreciation to my very good friend, Papa John.


Papa John is actually John McGarity, my friend Sharon's dad. Sharon and I have been friends since the seventh grade, so I guess Papa John has been around (for me) since then. Sharon jumped ship and moved to Frisco, and I stuck around Nacogdoches. SO, I have become his surrogate daughter, and he is my handy-man Papa.


Over the past few months, Papa John has put in many hours trying to save my marriage from therapy. Of course, I say that in jest. But in May of 2004, Daniel started renovating the master bathroom of our home. It has been useless for nine long months. Papa John heard the desperation in my voice one day on the phone, and he has been a constant supporter since that day. For example, this weekend, he spent fifteen hours at our house laying tile and teaching Daniel how to grout.


I am excited at the prospect of a functional second bathroom. I am not going to know what to do with myself when I don't have to put the lid down behind Daniel ten times a day.


Mostly, I am grateful to a man who has remained a friend to me and my husband, and who has always made a place for us in his family.

What to do when you have already read all of your friends' blogs, and responded to their postings

I really, really, really like this website. English-speakers - take note: this site is addictive!

www.wordplays.com

The smell-good tree hanging from the rearview mirror DOES NOT mean its clean

One time (today), I had to get a rental car (truck) from a place in town (rhymes with Winterprise) because my truck is idling funny. I got in the said rental vehicle with my spouse, who quickly started digging through all the compartments.


(Let me interrupt my own story to say that about a month ago, when this exact scenario was playing out, the rental car I got from this same place (Winterprise) had five bags of rotting garbage in the trunk, which I did not find until I had already driven the car for two days. What if there had been a body in there? Yech!)


So, back to today. Daniel is rummaging through the glove compartment where he finds a box of Coconut Sweet Cigar Blunts. He opens the ash tray, and ashes go everywhere. Finally, he looks in the center console, where you put your beverages (probably a 40 oz. beer, if you are smoking those blunts) and there he finds a fine, but noticable, sprinkling of dried-parsley-like residue. He sticks his finger in it and puts it about one inch from his eyeball. He smells it. (He is quite the detective.) It is marijuana! Weed! In my rental truck!


Give me a break!

whee-oooh, whee-oooh

Say that a lot of times, pretty fast, in a whisper voice. Like this:

whee-oooh, whee-oooh, whee-oooh, whee-oooh,
whee-oooh, whee-oooh, whee-oooh, whee-oooh,
whee-oooh, whee-oooh, whee-oooh, whee-oooh,
whee-oooh, whee-oooh, whee-oooh, whee-oooh,

If you are doing it right, or at least how Daniel does it, you should have a good idea of what the baby's heartbeat sounded like today at the doctor's office! It seems really real now - not just that I am a self-indulgent, always-eating girl who doesn't have regular BMs! How exciting is that?

Boobies

My husband read my blog today! He said he really liked some of the reader comments and that he laughed at some stuff I wrote. That is a huge compliment! I was so excited that he did that, and I didn't even nag him. What I would like to share with you, dear-readers-other-than-my-husband, is the tail end of our conversation, which goes as follows:

A: I am so glad you read my blog!

D: Yeah, I liked it. But I don't understand how there got to be all those porn links on there.

A: What porn links?

D: About boob jobs. There are some porn links about boob jobs on your site.

A: Nuh-uh!

D: Yeah! Come here, I will show you!

So we went to the computer, and logged on to my site. He clicked on "My Profile" then he clicked on the keyword "married." He scrolled down through about ten blogs, then clicked on the ONE PICTURE THAT LOOKS KIND OF SEDUCTIVE. There is another blogger's profile, and he scrolls quickly down and clicks on one of her two blog choices. Up comes this very inappropriate and yucky blog site with lots of boobies.

How does my dear sweet husband, who loves me above all other women, manage to find the ONE link that is boob-related? He can't have been on the computer more that about 15 minutes by himself, and during that time, he read A LOT of my blog. Is he a homing pigeon? Does he have GPS for boobies?

Who would have thought?

First, the confession:

I am not a computer techie. I can surf the internet and am kind of proficient at other menial computer tasks. Other than that, no skills here.

Next, the proclamation:

I am a genius. After weeks of seeing other people with "link" sections on their blog, I figured out how to do my own. Yes, I DID! Please take a moment to appreciate the beauty of the "Other Blogs" section to your left.

I will admit, at first I ended up with links at the top of my page. Then, the word "Links" was tiny and didn't match my template. Then, I almost cussed, but it is Sunday. Then, I figured out how to move the links to the right place, and I made them the right color.

Then I reveled in the fact that I am smarter than I ever thought possible. Do you think Yahoo! is hiring?

Sitting on babies, Part II

The gig is up tomorrow night at about 10. This has been a LONG week. The boys have been really good, but I wanted to share a few things I have learned over the course of this experience:

1. Boys from Wisconsin call their privates a "wanker."

2. Brothers fight, even in their sleep. (i.e. "I'm telling, Ben! REALLY, I will tell!" are comments made by people who are awake or asleep.)

3. Boys can exist for days at a time on hotdogs and cereal when their babysitter is too exhausted to cook real food.

4. Little boys like their babysitter to join them in the bathtub with her clothes on.

5. SpongeBob SquarePants is not funny or cute or appropriate for children.

6. When a four-year-old punches you in the stomach, and you pretend to cry, he will rub your tummy and say "Sorry, Baby."

7. When I have three children, they will go to the same school (if possible) and not three different schools in different areas of town.

8. Driving a Suburban is the equivalent of driving a school bus, except you don't have the reverse beeping sound.

Overall, we have had fun, but I am tired and ready for my own bed, with my husband by my side and my dog on the floor. I want to sleep late on Saturdays and not have to wake up to fix a breakfast buffet for the waiting army. I want to take a bath without boys coming in and shaking their "wanker" at me. I want my name to not be whined (Miss Amaaaaaaandaaaaaaaaaaa) every other time it is said. Mostly, next time, I want to go someplace tropical and leave the kids behind!

Wanna be a baller, shot caller

Every time I load the blogger page, I see an ad on the bottom that says "Want to be a Blogstar?" and then the song starts over in my head. During its popularity, I knew every word to the "baller" song, so it is quite a long rendition. I have to stop what I am doing, and look off in the distance as I think about

Twenty inch BLADES
On the Im-PAH-la...

This is very distracting, and unproductive at school. We sing songs like "Where is Thumbkin" and I am jerking my head to the ghetto thump in my brain. "But there's got to be a better way, better way, YEAH..."

The F Word

Here I am, on my smiling day, and I am smiling through the fact that 8-year-old Zach has the FLU. I got a shot last week but it is not effective for another couple of weeks. So, please say a little prayer that I don't get sick. Yuck! Also, that the other two boys and Daniel don't get sick. The pediatrician gave them a preventative prescription, but I can't take anything.

Good cheer

I am better, despite the many forces working against my good attitude! So far in my babysitting endeavor, I have encountered unnatural amounts of poo (dog and human) on the floor, a vomitus kid, a kid with a sore throat, a kid who talks loudly in his sleep, and scores of other behaviors that will make you question reproductivity.


But I am great, and this is why:


I am less hungry than I was last week!

I got to work out yesterday!

I am getting a haircut tomorrow!

I have a $15 gift card to a fru-fru gift store that I am going to spend soon!

I have a $10 gift card to the super-expensive teacher store that I am also going to spend soon!

I got to eat Casa Ole for dinner, and that includes green sauce at the beginning and Andes mints at the end!

Daniel is off work and he gets to hang out with me tonight, even if we are just sleeping cause we are tired like dogs!

Hump day is already upon us, and I LOVE HUMP DAY!


For these reasons and more, I hope you smile today! I am!

Just the facts, ma'am

I have tried not to dwell on my misery of late. I don't want to constantly whine and gripe about this miracle God has given us, but I need to let you in on a little secret. So far, pregnancy is not fun.


I want to use this post to tell you things that you may need to know for future reference, or remind you of things you may already know because you have been there.


1) Pregnancy makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I could burp loud and long any second. I feel like I need to fart like a man most of the time.


2) Pregnancy makes me eat. I put things in my mouth because I cannot distinguish between the gassy feelings and hunger. I am going to blow up like a balloon.


3) Pregnancy makes me tired. Daniel says I can't sleep through this whole babysitting week. I say I CAN, but I just SHOULDN'T.


4) Pregnancy makes me feel fat. Yeah, it does. I should not have a belly yet, but I don't fit into my jeans. See numbers 1 and 2.


5) Pregnancy makes me feel undesireable. See all of the above.


6) Pregnancy makes me feel bad for taking Tylenol cause my head hurts. In this statement, you may replace the word "pregnancy" with "Daniel."


7) Pregnancy makes me feel guilty cause I feel all of the above and don't have an overwhelming love for my baby yet. This makes me sad. So pregnancy makes me depressed, and for the record, I already have a depressive tendency.


I think this will feel better after I hear a heartbeat or feel some kicking or something. Right now I just feel gross, and unable to comfort myself with a pretty, limey, salty frozen margarita.


So, readers, please provide some words of wisdom. Some encouragement. Some hint that this is normal, and that it will pass. I will take a reprieve from writing about my pitiful state for a while. But, honesty is the best policy, and I thought someone should know.

Sitting on babies

Today is the beginning of nine marathon babysitting days! This is something I do occasionally for a family in my town. They go away to some place tropical and luxurious, and I stay behind and watch their kids.


I actually enjoy it a lot. The boys are fun and easy. They are four, six and eight. I move into their house, eat their food, take them to school, wash their clothes, feed them, and tuck them in at night for about a week, till their mom and dad come back home. Daniel stays with me, when he doesn't have to work.


So, if my blog is lame, or maybe even VERY interesting, that is why. Because my life has all the sudden come to revolve around three other little beings!

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's.... GADGETMAN!

I am going to blog about my husband. I have a signed waiver from him. He was reluctant, but I bargained, as only a woman can bargain. I will leave the rest to your imagination.


Daniel is a wonderful guy. He is funny - hilariously so. He is honest. He is hard-working. He is faithful. He is exactly right for me.


However...


He loves gadgets. He is addicted to "made for TV" crap. He loves it, yearns for it, thinks about it, and asks for it, until it is his. I am going to tell you about only a few of the gadgets that we have in our home. These are things that he has, and I tolerate, but I am sure venting about them will make my toleration stronger.


Item Number One: The Toothpaste Squisher Thing

This attaches to a regular tube of toothpaste, and makes it an annoyingly-top-heavy tube of toothpaste. It is "designed" to force the paste or gel from the bottom of the tube to the "neck area" of the tube, for easier dispensing. My peeve is that the tube becomes so heavy at the top that it flips out of "dental hygeine accessories jar" onto the floor. My life was pretty easy when I was just using the muscles God gave me in order to squeeze the toothpaste out, but this gadget makes Daniel immensely happy. Almost giddy.


Item Number Two: The All-For-One Measuring Spoon

Daniel doesn't cook but he really wanted me to have this measuring spoon. At its smallest, it is a teaspoon, but you slide the plastic down and it can become as large as a tablespoon. WOWSER! This is an annoyance simply because - does it REALLY get clean in the dishwasher or does the slidy plastic hide germs??


Item Number Three: The Liquid Caddy

I originally called this the "shower caddy" and Daniel, who is reading over my shoulder, quickly corrected me. "Oh, that's a cool gadget!" he exclaimed, "But it is called a Liquid Caddy."

This is a hunk of plastic that adheres to the inside of your shower. It has three sections: one for shampoo, one for conditioner, and one for body soap. You press a button at the bottom of each section to obtain about three molecules of each product. For people who have hair, this extends shower time by about 19 minutes, since you have to spend a lot of time pumping the button.


Item Number Four: The Clapper

Okay, so we don't have a clapper, but I bet he used to have one when they were popular.


Daniel is afraid he will sound "gay" so I would like to tell you that he is very masculine and he pees standing up.

Lightbulb!

If you bookmark someone's blog, then repeatedly check it, and they are not posting anything for, like, WEEKS, make sure that you bookmarked their home-blog-page (whatever that is called) and NOT the linked post that you were reading when you bookmarked it. Okay? Okay...

Apprehension

I have actually never posted from school before so this should be interesting. I can already see that I can't change my font size or type. Probably because this computer is a "mac." All schools have "macs." I, not being a graphic-oriented person, cannot stand this kind of computer. I have heard that they are good for some things. Like, if you lock your keys in your car, you can type in a few words on your keyboard, then pick your monitor up and toss it through the window of your car, in order to get the keys out. But I digress...


I am going to the baby doctor today for the first time. He is going to do some investigative stuff. Daniel is coming with me, in hopes that he will get to witness the utter humiliation that is a "pap smear." I am pretty nervous about this whole thing. What if there is not a baby in there? I know that is morbid and sort of depressing, but that is my current preoccupation.


I will post most of the sordid details later. Meanwhile, keep me in your prayers. Pregnancy and nervousness make me gassy and I would HATE to embarrass myself.